Learn three jokes.

We've all been at parties where people were telling jokes. Usually it's at the end of the night, when everyone is standing around, sort of drunk, waiting for the signal to leave. Some guy, to break the stupified audience silence, announces that he's going to tell a joke.

Sometimes it's funny, sometimes not. But he's fulfilled his obligation to contribute to the night's enjoyment and satisfaction. He knew a joke and told it, letting everyone leave on good terms and with best wishes. Hugs and promises all around. A good night spent with good company.

A proven joke can cap an otherwise pleasant or even complicated evening.

There are people who remember jokes, and people -- equally smart, maybe smarter -- who don't. I knew a boy in high school who had memorized 168 jokes, and he could recite any of them if you gave him the number. Granted most weren't very funny, but he was ready for a joke if the party lagged.


Here's one he told me: A stagecoach is held up by bandits. The head bandit says, "Give me all your gold and your women." The stage driver throws down a bag of gold and says, "Nobody in here but an old woman." The bandit throws open the stagecoach door and says, "Out, lady. I'm going to ravish you." The stage driver yells down, "You're an animal! Stop it right now!" And the old lady, stepping out onto the road, yells up to him: "Mind your own business!" Yeah, lots of my friend's jokes were of that caliber.

Once in a while, the spotlight might shift to you, and it's to your advantage to know a few jokes. Ones that have entertained you and that you remember well enough to recite without giving away the punchline halfway in. I think it would be best to know five jokes, but I also think that, in the beginning, knowing three is enough.

Three jokes -- that you know well and are sure will get laughs -- should get you through most social gatherings. And if most of the guests didn't expect you to know any at all, well then, so much the better. In fact, I think some of the best jokes come from those of us not well known
for telling jokes. When we have a good one, at the right moment, and know how to tell it, the effect is a very pleasant surprise for our guests.

Here are three that I know. Feel free to appropriate them. I'm not sure where they came from (see an earlier blog), but they have all gotten laughs when I told them. Two of them are sexual in nature but will make people laugh instead of making them uncomfortable; the third is a little
dark -- dealing with death -- but elicits laughs nonetheless.

I've probably heard funnier jokes but don't remember them. The next time you hear a good one, add it to your list. When you have three jokes that you've learned and can recite when you need to, you're socially golden. ("I didn't know she could be so funny," your friends will say.)

1) Three couples are applying to the church for inclusion. The priest tells them that they have to abstain from sex for 30 days. After that time, he re-convenes them and asks them how they did. The oldest couple says it was no problem. The middle-aged couple admits that they were tempted but didn't succumb. They were all welcomed into the church. The youngest couple were interviewed, and the guy said that all was good until the last week when his wife bent over to pick up a dropped can of peas and, well, he couldn't resist. The priest says that they are not welcomed into the church, and the guy says, "We're not welcomed at the grocery store either."

Ba-da-boom!

2) A boy asks his mother where babies come from. She hems and haws and tries her best to explain to him the sexual nature of procreation. But the boy finally says, "I saw you and Dad in your bedroom, and you had his penis in your mouth." The mother laughs and says, "Honey, that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from!"

Ba-da-boom!

3) A woman -- no, wait, a guy -- stop. Let me think. Shit, I forget. It's something about a wake, and there's a misunderstanding between the wife and the husband. It has to do with strudel, and I think I first heard it on Garrison Keillor's show. Okay, I forgot.

The lesson is this: don't let it happen to you, especially in a social situation. Have three jokes and rehearse them until they're second nature to you. Be sure they're funny, and be sure you can recite them impeccably, even after you've had a drink or two (or more).

You don't have to be inherently entertaining to enthrall a group. You just have to know a few jokes that are truly amusing and that you can tell perfectly.

Now go forth and be funny!