Learn the hard lessons at home, where someone loves you.

We all have to learn hard lessons about life. How to share. What to keep for ourselves. Who to love, and why. Who not to love. What to do when we really want something but can't afford it. What to do when what we want to do is what our parents told us not to do. Whether to trust our parents' judgment when it comes to us. Who we want to become later in life. And on and on . . .

Being a new person, trying to figure out the world unfolding in front of you, is hard. So is being the parent of a new person. What are you supposed to tell him/her? What are you NOT going to tell him/her that might be of benefit but that is just too uncomfortable to talk about? What SHOULD you be saying to your child that you just can't bring yourself to say? (Sex? Drugs? A family secret?) It's not easy figuring out what you should do in life, but it's just as hard -- or harder -- deciding what you should tell your children about what THEY should do in life.

To the kids: Learn the hard lessons at home, where someone loves you. Learn to be honest and to take responsibility for yourself, for your grades and your jobs and your relationships. Know that if you screw up, your parents -- unless they're dysfunctional, which, unfortunately, some parents are -- will be disappointed, may even punish you, but that they will continue to be on your side, hoping the best for you, and that they will let you keep living in their house (your house) as long as you need to. (At some point, you may need to pay rent.)

You don't want to learn those hard lessons away from home, from the cops or an employer or some man or woman you fall for who breaks your heart and takes you for everything you're worth. (Okay, maybe that last one you really do have to learn away from home.)

Don't let your first lesson in responsibility come from a boss who says that you're late all the time and make too many personal phone calls during office hours and don't get along with your colleagues and, as a result, you're fired. You should have learned not to do those things at home.

Don't let your first experience of personal values (e.g., honesty) be when a cop arrests you for possessing stolen property. Didn't your Dad tell you not to do that? I hope so!

Don't let your first plunge into sex be with someone who might bash your head or steal your wallet or give you a disease. (Remember what Mom and Dad said about trying to find a "nice" boy or girl; they weren't lying.)

Don'tforget to comb your hair and say please and thank you. Look like the person your parents hoped they were having when they had you.

If you're a parent, remember that your first and main duty is to get this new person "raised" to the point that he/she becomes a productive member of society. We need more honest workers and fewer dilenquents and criminals. Parenting is hard, but if you have the kid, you have the responsibility. Sorry. But it can be rewarding. You have the opportunity to introduce into your society a valuable new member, a person who can not only succeed but who might make a difference. But it doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen. Sorry again.

To raise a child is to accept the challenge of teaching those hard lessons that we want him or her to learn at home instead out in the world, where he or she may not be loved (especially by the police). That means telling a baby no, a kid no, a teen no, even a young adult no. No!

No! This is not acceptable. No! You can't hit anyone. No! You can't just lie in bed all summer and do nothing. No! You are way too young to be thinking about spending a night at that boy's/girl's house with no parents present. No! You can't keep driving if you get another ticket. No! I won't accept those low grades from you and keep giving you an allowance. No! I will not tolerate you being out after eleven on school night. No, no,and no!

NO!

Can you say it? Sure you can, but can you follow up? If he/she keeps cutting classes or appears drunk or stoned to you, can you confront him/her about it? Can you remember that it's better for him or her to get confronted at home, by you, than later in life when the consequences will be so much more dire? The temptation is just to say, "I wash my hands of it." But, believe me, the stain will never come off.

For better or worse, we're all in this big adventure together. Let's make the best of it.