Some things make us feel miserable but don't get us out of anything.

You have a cold, and you're wheezing and dripping and feel like hell. You go into work and tell everyone how miserable you are. They all express sympathy, but someone inevitably says, "Hey, it's only a cold." As if to dismiss your suffering and to let you know that you need to get on with your work and let them get on with theirs.

But let's save colds for later in the discussion, as they have other effects to be considered.

There are all kinds of afflictions that we are subject to, and that make us feel equally awful, but that don't get us out of anything. Anything, in this case, meaning work. A day off, or more.

Take, for instance, a bad night's sleep. There are as many reasons for restlessless at night as there are words for it in the dictionary. (Are there any?) You toss and turn and wake up and then go back to sleep and then wake up again. Maybe you need to go the bathroom. You lie down again and do your best to re-enter that welcomed oblivion, only to find that your mind is still wrestling with something from work or your relationship or your kids' futures or whatever. You make the mistake of looking at the clock: five a.m. You groan and turn over and just hope you can get a few more hours of sleep.

You go into work the next day, feeling drained of energy and slightly ill, and you're expected to perform as if you were just hired, all bright-eyed and eager. And all you're thinking is that if you could just go home and nap it off, you'd be okay. But you can't. You're at work, and you're expected to be at your best.

Or maybe you have a hang-over. You drank too much the night before, for whatever reason.
Today you're not feeling so good. Your stomach's queasy, your brain is shorting-out. Again,
you're wishing that you could go home and sleep it off, show up tomorrow feeling better.

There are so many things that happen to us that make us feel awful but that don't get us out of anything. Some are brought on by ourselves -- hang-overs -- but others are brought on by our workplaces -- a promotion we expected but didn't get -- or our relationships -- troubles with the wife or husband or kids-- etc. Others are inflicted on us by nature: colds, for instance. But what they all have in common is that they make us irritable and less efficient and not good company -- and no one else wants to hear about them. At least not for long.

We're suffering, you and me, and all we want to do is un-load on someone else, but those others we're un-loading on have their own problems, and a little of ours goes a long way. They can sympathise, but only up to a point. We're only thinking of ourselves, which is natural but not necessarily admirable, but so are they.

There are things we have to endure, as humans, that are particular to us and of virtually no interest, or at least limited interest, to others. We think they should qualify us for time off, a day or more of recovery, but they don't get us off at all. They just make things harder.

Why? Partly because they're invisible -- who knows the stress another human is enduring? -- and partly because, as noted above, we all have our own, similar, problems we're wrestling with. Human empathy has its bounds, and it usually ends at repetition of someone else's woes. Enough already, we say to ourselves. Deal with it, for God's sake! Like I have to every day.

Suppose you come into work and tell your colleagues that you had a bad night's sleep, or that you have a hang-over, or that your spouse is being an asshole (again), or that you're bummed out over not getting that promotion you were expecting. What are they supposed to do? They can sympathize -- yes, the boss is an asshole, and so is your husband, and maybe you should try some pills and maybe not drink so much -- but after a while they need to get back to work. And their own lives.

Which brings us back to the cold. It's a common problem, obviously, but a more complicated one. When you come into a workplace -- or a social gathering -- drippping from your nose and snuffling and maybe even coughing up something from your lungs -- you not only don't get much sympathy, but no one wants to be near you. "It's only a cold," you're told, but everyone keeps a distance. Go home, they all want to say, including your boss, but after all, "it's only a cold."

Having a cold -- whether it's the sniffles or a full-blown nasal/lung attack -- gets you not just not much sympathy but ostracism, too. Keep away from me! On the other hand, why are you asking to stay home when it's "just a cold"? Double bind. No easy way out. What to do?

The answer is that you accept whatever's bumming you out and keep moving. We all have these problems, but we can't let them rule our lives and get in the way of what we need to do. Suck it up. Get help if you need it, but otherwise keep on truckin'. We all do it, and if you can't, then you may not belong here.

Your colleagues care about you, but they don't want to hear your sob stories. They may be willing to hear them once, but not over and over. They have their own sob stories they could tell you but -- lucky for you -- they don't. (Unlucky for you if they do.)

When I was a grad student, some of us went out for pitchers of beer after classes. I used to complain, endlessly, about my bad marriage. At some point, a young woman friend said, "David, you're getting to be a real downer." It hit me that I was going on and on about something that affected only me and that I wasn't doing anything about except boring my fellow students.

The truth is that there are bad things in our lives -- personal disappointments, colds, marital problems, restless nights of sleep, etc. -- that we just have to absorb and endure and not burden our friends with, because they can't help us and also because the more we whine, the less they
want to be around us. Some things are ours alone, and we have to own them and move on. It's your misery. And mine. Accept it. Embrace it. Decide what to do about it. By yourself.

We're all grown-ups now, and we have to understand that some things don't get us out of anything but just make life harder. Sorry about that. It's just the way it is.