The penis is a blessing and a curse.

Men have penises for two reasons: to ejaculate and to pee.



Not very romantic but true. And the two functions are mutually exclusive: if the penis is relaxed, it can pee, but if it's erect, it can't. Nature is so right about this: you don't want an aroused male peeing into his partner. Have I grossed you out yet? Sorry. Facts is facts.

The penis is a strange, but totally natural, appendage. It hangs off the front of all of us males. The first time we're aware of it is when we learn to pee. The second time we're aware of it is when, for no apparent reason except maybe we're thinking about some girl we like, it stiffens. For a boy of twelve or thirteen, that's brand new, exciting, something we'd heard about but hadn't actually experienced. Here we are, barely even a teenager, with this organ we'd always associated with going to the bathroom suddenly standing up by itself.

Whoa! What's that all about?

Unfortunately, young men don't get much counseling at this point. I certainly never heard anything except from older boys who were winking and snickering and making lewd comments about girls they knew. My parents didn't tell me anything. Did yours? I mean, it didn't take me long to make the connection to girls, but I had no idea what to do next. I just knew I wanted to poke my penis into some girl but wasn't exactly sure how to do it or even if she'd want me to.



And according to women I've talked to, they were feeling the same urges I was. They probably knew more about their bodies than I did about mine, but the message was the same: have sex!

rges, just like I was, and maybe they knew more about their bodies than I did about mine, but maybe not. Parents, in any age, aren't good at discussing sex with their kids. It seems like such an adult thing, but if we think about it, we were all young teens once, too, and excited and confusedin equal proportions. Still, once we've discovered sex, we consider it such a personal and private thing that we don't want to discuss it with anyone, certainly not our kids who need most of all to hear the truth from us.



All we knew back in those early days of attraction was to hook up with each other and, at some point, have sex. The girls were at more risk -- pregnancy outside marriage being a big no-no back then -- and the boys, who took no responsibility for this magic tool they'd just discovered, pleaded ignorance. We were all flying blind.

Nowadays young women are much more familiar with the penis and all its wiles. They know that a young man aroused is out of his mind and not to trust anything he says. He's a victim of the biology that commands him to spread his seed far and wee (as the Scottish say). He's not to be believed no matter how sincere he sounds. (Jerk him off with your hand and he'll regain his senses. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. Or else throw some cold water on him and talk to him later.)

To make matters worse, the penis continues to perform its reproductive function way beyond the time that it serves any useful purpose. An eighty year old man can still get an erection and presumably ejaculate into a girl of any age -- even impregnate her --but should he? We've all heard stories of old men who sire children long after they're able to take care of them and of young women forced to have sex with geezers.


Why doesn't it ever shut down?

I can't speak for women, but I'd bet there's a point when they do turn off the sex machinery -- not totally but as a major life force -- and start to think more about talking with each other and enjoying their children, etc. Sex got them the man they're with, and children -- if they had any -- and it's still enjoyable but not a main focus of their lives.





Which, of course, is why women should rule the world. They're much more inclined to take care of who they've given birth to, while men are still out there trying to get more immediate pleasure from women they hardly know. (Think Bill Clinton, President of the United States, who almost lost his lofty position over a blow-job from a chunky 25-year-old.)




Why?




Because the penis has a life of its own. It doesn't pay attention to admonitions not to lust after this or that woman (or man, but I'm not getting into that). Richard Pryor had a very funny routine about just this subject -- his penis having a life of its own -- going against all his better judgment, whispering in his ear, egging him on. It's like the serpent from Eden, getting otherwise good men into all kinds of trouble from the beginning of time.



Men are simple creatures. Some are kind, some are not. Some are athletic, some are not. Some are brave, some are not. But they all are slaves to ther penises.

A man's penis starts as just something he pees out of but later becomes an appendage that can build his ego or wreck it -- along with his career and his marriage.



Boys start looking at each others' penises from the first time they share a shower room in P.E. in junior high or high school. Nothing hidden in the shower room. It's pretty clear, pretty early, who has a big one or a little one. And anyone who has ever watched a porno knows that the men in those films have huge penises. One -- belonging to an actor who died of AIDs -- was measured at a foot long when erect. I think most women -- besides porn babes -- know that the average man's erect penis is half that at best. But do you see why most men worry that we won't measure up, so to speak? We just hope that you haven't been with men who have those huge dongs and that you'll love us for our good qualities -- and will keep wanting to have sex with us.



But the most discerning women know that it's not the size of the tool but how it's used and that having someone kiss you before and halfway through the sex act, and really kiss you, makes size immaterial. (Or at least that's what I want to believe.)

I love that a pill was discovered that let men having trouble "getting it up" overcome that problem, as a man has absolutely no control over what his penis will or will not do at any given time. He can be with an absolutely lovely woman and not "respond". It's a mystery. But if a simple and single pill solves that problem, why not? And God bless the inventors!

Women's parts are beyond my imagining, but the penis is something I'm familar with. And, at the same time, I don't understand it. Looked at in its flaccid state, it just hangs there, like a coat on a rack or an elephant's trunk. But once pumped up with blood, it's something else altogether, a force looking for a matching force, almost a mind in itself, knowing what it needs to do without any further thought from me or my brain. I'm assuming it's the same for the woman, or else this explosive thing called sex would never happen. There must be a point at which men and women both lose control, right?

Once sex is over, the penis gets small again and becomes again just a flexible hose to pee out of. Not so romantic, huh? What happens to the female sex organs is probably much the same. I would guess the tissues and muscles shrink back to normal, and there are dishes to be done. Or yoga. Or a night out with the girls.

So think of the penis as a dual-function tool but not a multi-function one. There is not a third purpose I can think of.

It's also, as I've said, the blessing and curse of many a man. It can be your pride and joy or your ultimate letdown (no pun intended). I mean, consider this: a woman can have sex even when she doesn't want it (think lubricants), but a man can't. I suspect some domestic violence has resulted from men who couldn't get it up. (Voila Viagra!)

All that said, it's still kind of amazing how nature put this all together.