Give a gift only because you want to.

I read every day, as I'm sure you do, complaints to Dear Abby or Amy or whoever about people who have sent a gift and didn't get a response. Often it's grandmothers complaining, but it could be any of us. Have you ever sent someone a gift and didn't get a thank you?

If not, you're the rare exception.


Abby or Amy or whoever typically responds by saying that you should gently bring up the topic with the non-respondent -- the givee? -- be they kids/grandkids/friends. Be careful how you do it, though. No need to hurt anyone's feelings.


I say let it go. Forget the response you don't get. You didn't give the gift expecting something in return. You gave it because you wanted to, because you thought that that other person might like what it was you sent. When you put that package -- or that check -- in the mail, I'm betting the last thing on your mind was what you were going to get back.


Giving a gift, from the pure heart of you, is the very definition of goodness. Any strings we attach to that sacred act only diminishes it. And us. Give it and and look away. Put it out of your mind. You did it for you. You wanted to give, and you did. Period. End of discussion.

On the other hand, it's only human to expect our kindnesses to be at least acknowledged. So I say learn from your experience. There are those you give gifts to who will thank you and those who won't. If you're looking for that thanks, then next time around remember them and don't send anything in the future. No explanation required. If any question your non-gift, that's the time to start a conversation.

The same rule applies to donations to causes you support. Send a check but don't ask for a tote bag in return (unless you really need one). Give because you believe in what they're doing. Claim it as a tax deduction if you're into that kind of itemizing, but otherwise let it go. Be anonymous. It's the cool thing to do.

Of course the whole business of giving and getting gifts comes down to intention. Why give a gift in the first place? There are all sorts of reasons. To assuage guilt? To romance someone? To show affection? To support a cause? Out of duty and/or obligation? To whom? The party in question or his/her parents, your friends? (The last would include all those graduation announcements you get from your friends' kids that beg for gifts/money.)

I think it's important to size up our intentions when we give gifts and then determine what the appropriate response should be. Something? Nothing? So be it.

In the end, though, I do think we should give because we want to and should expect nothing in return. If we get it -- a card, a phone call, an invitation to something -- we should be grateful.

Giving -- of our time or our money or just our heartfelt thoughts -- should originate and end with us, the givers. No reply required.

We gave because we wanted to, right? No strings attached.

It's tough medicine but if we can swallow it, and keep it down, it just might make us better people. Right?