And the Nobel Prize goes to . . . the person who takes the gas out of beans!

This may seem frivolous, but it's not. Beans are a miracle food, high in protein and absolutely delicious in recipes from every culture. So why don't we all eat them at least once a day? (They are also good for digestion and its aftermath.)

You know why. It's because they cause gas to build up in our intestines that can only be expelled in a socially unacceptable way. It happens to all of us repeatedly thoughout the day, whether we've eaten beans or not, and we try our best to minimize the effect or just be sure we're not in a group setting. But eating beans -- or other foods like cabbage -- exacerbates the disturbance. The need to get rid of built-up gases is unavoidable, so many of us just avoid beans altogether.

And that's the problem. As I said, they are amazingly nutritious, and great-tasting in everything from chili to that wonderful French cassoulet. It''s almost a sin (a crime?) that no one has come up with a way to take the gas out of these delectable dishes.

It's a matter of chemistry, something about our systems not being to break down sugars or starches or whatever in the bean, but come on: we've put men on the frigging moon! That took money and brainpower beyond most of our imaginings. What if those people, with that money, tackled the problem of gas in beans?

Most of the world eats beans and, in whatever way they've decided on, deal with the effects. But I know many people who won't touch them. Beans are an absolute necessity for vegetarians -- a prime source of protein -- but some I've known steer away from them for the reasons discussed.

What if chicken had the same gastrointestinal effect? Or lobster? Or chocolate, for God's sake!
Don't you think scientists would have come up with a remedy by now? Why is the miracle bean so dissed by science, when it holds so much more promise for humankind than chicken or lobster or even chocolate? Have you ever had a pot of pintos cooked forever on low heat with leftover ham chunks? I'd put it up against the trendiest pasta dish at your most expensive restaurant.

It's time to liberate the bean! It's time to de-gas it!

And I'm all for the government spending lots of my tax money to do it. Because in liberating the bean, we're liberating ourselves to eat it. Any time, any place. In all its redolent possibilities. And they are almost endless.

Viva the bean!