I don't need anyone's validation.

I can already feel the sting of responses in my ear, and they all boil down to the same words: "What a pompous ass!" In other words, how dare he say that no one's opinion of him matters?

Well, I have to say that I don't need anyone's validation, and no one's opinion of me matters.

Where do I get off with such a claim?

I'm pretty sure who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I recognize and acknowledge them. I've had my triumphs, but failures, too. I know myself better than anyone else. Do I accept who I am? Well, of course I do, or how else could I continue to live? Would I do things differently, given another chance? Well, duh. Of course I would.

It's actually very liberating to free yourself of others' opinions, but you do have to be sure that you know and understand yourself. If you need a friend to tell you when you're doing the right thing, or a boss to let you know when you're doing a good job, or a family member to clue you in on how you're perceived by the family -- you're not a candidate for exemption from validation.

You probably need to visit a paid consultant, a psychologist or at least a qualified therapist. You have issues to work out that don't just involve the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/job/family dynamic but you. Yes, you.

There is no good reason that a smart and sane individual (you) should have to rely on the judgment of another person to determine if he/she is on the right path and making the right decisions about his/her life. Good Lord, you've lived with yourself all these years! Nobody knows you better than you know yourself, right? Shouldn't you be the final arbiter of your life decisions? Don't you know, better than anyone else, when you've f*cked up and when you've gotten it right? Aren't you the best person to know how to make amends or turn it all around or stay the course?

If not, see above: the psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist.

We all come into this world with no instructions, and we all make mistakes: some small, some big, some life-changing. But we're also gifted with big brains that let us analyze those mistakes and make corrections. In the end, we are our own best guides as to how to modify our future behavior: to learn from our mistakes.

I think that when we start to rely on others to tell us how we're doing, we're giving up a lot of power, over ourselves, that we shouldn't be giving up. The boss tells you that you're not doing enough and you believe it, even if you've been working overtime for no extra pay. The spouse tells you that he/she needs more from you when you know very well that you're giving more to the relationship than he/she is. The mother/father tells you that you aren't doing this or that right in your life or with your kids when you know that you're doing all that is humanly possible and that they didn't do nearly as much for their own kids (you) as you're doing for yours.

If you wimp out and accept what you know isn't true, isn't a fair judgment of you, you're giving up power that you may never get back.

At some point, you have to stand up for yourself, reclaim the idea of yourself that you know is true: that you're a competent, intelligent, feeling person who is doing his or her best. Of course you have to believe that: If you're telling yourself lies about yourself, all bets are off.

Advice: Know yourself. Recognize who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, your good points and your bad. Own yourself. If improvements are needed, work on them. If valuable qualities are appreciated by others, appreciate them in yourself. You are you, and you are not defined by what others think of you.

When someone lights in on you for something you know is more about them than about you, don't bite. Be calm and nod and, if you want, stay friends with them. If it's too harsh, too personal, too hurtful, then cut them out of your life. Politely. Just don't call them anymore or take calls from them. Make excuses until they give up. They will.

What if you're a writer or an artist and you haven't sold anything, but your friends and family tell you you're great -- or not so great? What should you do with that information? I would say you should weigh it against what you think of yourself and your talent. If you feel good about what you're producing -- being sure you know what you're talking about -- then forge ahead, and opinions to the contrary be damned! But do be sure you know what you're talking about.

Not caring what others think of you only works if you know and accept yourself for who you are. That does not mean that you think you're perfect. It just means that the only opinion of you that counts is the one you have of yourself. Be sure you're honest about it.

Now don't you feel lighter and more liberated already? Ahhh! Is that a robin I hear? It must be nearly spring!