Respect your spouse's family.

So you fell in love. Hey, it happens. And you've been with this person long enough that it's time to introduce him/her to your family and to be introduced to his/her family. It's inevitable. After all, these older people will maybe be the grandparents of your children someday -- Grandma and Grandpa or whatever names they assume: please not Me-Maw and Pa-Paw! Ouch!

These are not the people you fell in love with. These are the mothers and fathers who bore that person you fell in love with and their mothers and fathers. They may be totally different from your beloved, but they are the ones who made him/her possible. They're also the aunts and uncles, the siblings, the cousins. They're your loved one's family.

And you're going to have to deal with them, sooner or later.

You owe them respect, at least the parents and the grandparents. In fact, you may have to make allowances to compensate for thier failures in raising your beloved. If they thought their son/daughter was going to marry better than you, they may actually disrespect you. Suck it up. You and your loved one are a couple, for better or worse, and you should have talked about all this ahead of time. Maybe even rehearsed what to say if this or that snide remark might surface, or this or that objection be raised (religion, e.g.).

Just know that when you choose to marry this person, he or she -- unless an orphan -- comes with relatives attached. He or she didn't choose these relatives but has had to deal with them all his/her life, and now you do, too.

Be respectful, even if you have to bite your lip when Uncle Whoever cracks a racist joke or when Aunt Somebody talks about how many (much better) choices her neice had. Just be polite and don't get drunk and say something that will poison relationships for years to come.

When it comes to your in-laws, the onus is on YOU. You are are the stranger being introduced into this group of people who know each other well and who had certain expectations of your mate and his/her choices of a mate for life.

Dress nice. Carry yourself well. Speak with respect. Curb your f**king tongue for once! Save it for late-night talks with your intended, who probably shares the same impressions/reservations.
You're on display. Play the part. If you're a man, do all the things a gentleman would do: open doors for ladies. If you're the woman, treat older women with respect. Defer to them, even if you think they're all harpies out to sink your marriage. Smile. Act the lady. Bite your lip, but do it!

As time goes on, the dynamics of your spouse's relationships with your new in-laws will become more apparent, and you'll learn which need to be catered to and which can be ignored. But in the beginning, when they've all gathered for your wedding or reception or a family reunion, be on your toes, ready to step or side-step on command, impressing everyone equally.

You're trying to make things easier not for you but for your spouse: he/she is nervous about you meeting all these people he/she has known forever.

If you're marrying into a home-grown family from the South, cousin Bobby may lay a big arm over your shoulders and ask if you like NASCAR and you may think: What is NASCAR? It's auto-racing. Nod and say yes, that you love to see guys racing cars around a track.

On the other hand, you may have married into a more refined family with roots in New England. A cousin, a little tipsy, may ask if your family came on the Mayflower. You have to remember that it was the ship bringing the first English settlers. Just say something like "My ancestors arrived soon after the first ships. Were yours on the first one?" It puts the ball back in his/her court to prove that he/she is descended from the original settlers. In the end, we're all good Americans.

For some bizarre reason, there are people who trace their roots back to those who first landed on these shores -- and claim it as something special --when we all know that America has become not so much a nation as a club that you choose to join or not. For those of us born into this country, and for so many who have made it their home, America is who we are: you may have been born in whatever country, but now you're an American. In time our ethnic identities fade away, as we start to think of ourselves more and more as Americans. At the same time, some of us, from other countries, may still cling to age-old celebrations -- Cinco de Mayo, for instance -- and we love that America embraces and celebrates them along with us.

America, and Americans, love a party, and the more the merrier! It's okay to keep your own traditions as long as you accept the bigger view of yourself as Americans, members of the club.

Back to the original point: respect your wife's or husband's relatives. Once you're married, you will likely have to deal with these people again. They'll visit, you'll visit. You didn't just marry a person. You married a family. Maybe a culture.

Be fair, be polite, and be inclusive. And remember that your spouse worries about your response to his/her family and theirs to you. That's the person you fell in love with, so make it easy for him/her.

When you marry, you don't usually just marry a person you love. You marry everyone he/she loves. Get used to it. You'll be happier in the end, and so will your beloved. Your life will be richer -- and easier.

And there will be more parties!