Kissing is more romantic than sex.

I've had a number of women tell me this. I always thought it was just romantic hogwash. Sure you remember the first guy you kissed, etc. But these were hot women who had obviously had sex with numerous men. They didn't like to talk about the sex they'd had, but they were all dreamy-eyed when they talked about kisses. They remembered not just their first kiss but others, and with much more affection than they did their subsequent acts of coitus.

And they still daydreamed about kissing men -- men they knew, maybe men they worked with and saw every day, even other women's husbands, or men they just imagined -- much more often than they daydeamed about having sex with those men.

That was my first clue that I didn't understand women. I thought, being a guy, that they valued sex above all else. It hadn't occurred to me that they could stop short of it and still have a serious relationship with a guy. They could kiss a guy, and it would mean more to them than all the sex they'd ever had with anyone else. One good kiss could undo all that other bad stuff. What they were looking for were guys who knew how to kiss them.

Here are some other things I've learned:

(1) A girl (meaning woman) can kiss a guy she's not planning to have sex with.

(2) A girl can have sex with a guy she doesn't kiss.

(3) A girl can kiss a guy she may never see again.

(4) A girl can kiss a guy as a way of saying, "I'd like to see you again."

(5) A girl can kiss a guy as a way of saying, "I'm with someone else now, but in another life, or if it doesn't work out, please look me up."

(6) A girl can kiss a guy just because it feels good.

A kiss is not like sex. You can keep your clothes on, for starters. And it involves no penetration of your private parts. It can be done in any dark place, away from prying eyes. Or even in public, if neither of you has anything to lose. And it's over in a blink -- or, at best, two blinks. On the other hand, it has no "climax", which means it can go on and on and on until you're both too tired to continue. A kiss is endless.

On the other hand, it offers nothing, promises nothing.

Maybe I kissed you because I like you, or maybe I kissed you because I wanted to be kissed. Or maybe I kissed you because I want you to be the father/mother of my children.

A kiss is like a question asked but never fully answered.

It could mean anything or nothing.

But it's still the coming together of two people who find themselves attracted to each other to the point that they're willing to bring their lips, if nothing else, together, for an instant (or longer).

Most guys -- not all, but most -- probably look at kissing as foreplay: the first step to getting sex later. It's a shame that they can't value it as an event, an experience, in itself. Women seem to.

I had a woman friend who had had many lovers tell me that she still remembered the kiss she'd shared with an old friend who, one night after a few drinks, asked if he could kiss her. She'd never had a man ask that. Usually, as she told me, they just "descended on my mouth". She said okay, and he planted on her such a tender kiss -- reluctant but yearning -- and then one more -- again asking if he could have it -- that, as she put it, "I was ready to take off all my clothes and jump his bones!" That first kiss is the key, it seems. A second one is a bonus.

My second clue that I didn't understand women was that some I talked to said they'd had sex without kissing the guy. This is what a prostitute often does. No kissing, or at least no "deep" kissing -- all that tongue action. They likely have boyfriends, so they let their clients do what they have to do, just for the money, but they draw the line at normal human sexual behavior, like kissing. You can f*ck me, but you can't kiss me. It's a peculiar and even deviant way of looking at things, but that's the way some of us think. Women: Ask your boyfriend if he's visited prostitutes, and then sit back and listen. If he loved his time with them, let him go. You don't want to be that woman in his life.

But normal girls have these relationships, too. They kiss lots of guys, enjoying the sensation but not necessarily looking to have sex. You girls have so many more reasons for kissing a guy than they have for kissing you. Maybe you're looking for a mate (who knows how to kiss), or sex, or an adventure. I think lots of women end up with guys who are good wage-earners, and potential fathers for your children, but who may not have been good kissers (and won't get better at it as time goes on). In a worst-case scenario, they end up looking for other men who are, and that results in adultery and the end of a marriage. Try to avoid it, if you can.

So how do men think about this? Think about it: men pay for sex, not kisses. When was the last time you heard about a Representative of Congress or a Senator being investigated for sneaking a kiss? I would personally put down a few bucks for a kiss from a pretty girl any day before I would pay many times that amount for shove-and-ugh sex with a prostitute. Most guys, even those in high office, keep thinking that a kiss is just the price you pay for having sex later.

Men -- at least most men -- need to learn to appreciate the kiss as an act in itself, or as a promise of goods that may or may not ever be delivered. A token, sometimes, in place of the sex act. "I wish I could be intimate with you," the woman of his lust may say, "but I can't, at least right now, so would you accept this as an I.O.U.?" If more guys accepted this and knew what it meant, then I think we'd have fewer misunderstandings that lead to guys going ballistic on women.

Okay, guys, here's how you do it. Be sure you're in an embrace with someone. She likes you. She pulls back a little but not that much. You're face to face, eye to eye. Lick your lips so you're not all chapped. Dip your face, slowly, toward hers. If she doesn't pull back, or if she moves her face closer to yours, then let your lips brush against hers. Not too much. Pull back. If she's still there, inches from you, lower your lips again, and this time let them linger on hers. Maybe move them a little: kiss her. Then pull back again and be sure you look into her eyes. Does she want more? If she is still with you, kiss her a little more firmly, pressing your lips into hers. You might try your tongue across her lips to see if she opens up. If not, let it go. If she does, if her lips open, insert your tongue, but very gently, probing, looking for hers. If she doesn't respond, pull out. She's let you know that she'll be ready for that later but not now. If she does respond, if her tongue meets yours and does a slow dance, then you still want to withdraw and plant a very tender kiss on her lips. You're telling her that you want her but you're not in a hurry. You're willing to wait for her.
Kiss her again, maybe on her eyelids, her cheeks. Withdraw. Get some air between. You've established a connection.

Plenty of time now. And isn't that where it gets to be fun? The next time you're together, you'll be starting from a different place, one you share. You'll both be full of anticipation.

Love and sex and kissing are intricate parts of our lives, but nobody schools us on it: we're expected to just pick it up somewhere along the way. But ancient societies knew that it was important -- witness the Kama Sutra, with its detailed explanations of sexual positions -- which means that it's been a significant part of our development as humans. But it's not just about sex. Kissing is the portal, the entry point, the place where it all starts. And it's something special in its own right.

More poems have been written about kissing than about sex.

Think about it.