First do no harm.

That's the doctors' motto, and it's a good one for the rest of us, too.

In the doctor's case, it means don't let your procedure on a patient cause more pain than he or she is already in or in some other way make the patient's condition worse. If you can't heal, at least don't harm. Leave ill enough alone.

In the case of the rest of us, it means not hurting other people in our relationships.

I would add something, though, in the latter case: Don't hurt anyone more than you have to.

The problem is that there are cases, in both instances, where it's unavoidable.

In the case of the doctor, he or she may think a case is hopeless but may have to order more tests just to placate a family not willing or ready to accept death as the outcome. Even when the doctor knows that more tests and more treatments might prolong life a while but in the end are almost guaranteed to make the terminal patient's last few days or weeks even worse. If the family wants it -- demands it -- what are you supposed to do? At that point, it's not about money, although the more procedures you do, as the doctor, the more money you'll get.

Even when you know that those procedures are just putting off, for a while, the inevitable. If the family, or the patient, insists on "extraordinary measures" to keep him or her alive a while longer, I guess you have to acquiesce and just do it, even though you know it's fruitless.

In the case of personal relationships, it gets more complicated. Assuming you buy the premise that you shouldn't do harm unless you have to, what about the lover you have to reject?
How do you do that without causing harm? He or she thought you would be his/hers forever, and now you're saying that it's over, that you aren't in love anymore, that you don't want to keep seeing him or her. Ouch! That's harm right away.

Which is why I say the dictum of "do no harm" needs to be amended when talking about relationships to be "do no more harm than is necessary". Let that rejected lover down easily. Say it was because you didn't know yourself well enough to make that commitment. Say you still aren't sure who you are or what you want. In other words, accept the bulk of the blame, even if you don't feel you deserve it -- it will let you out of the unwanted relationship without having someone stalk you later out of resentment. Try to be sure that your rejected lovers don't hate you: that's your best protection.

Do no more harm than is necessary in your family, too. Family is the set of people inflicted upon us because of our birth. We didn't choose any of them. They're just a given. And some of them will probably have beefs with us all our lives for all sorts of reasons (too complicated to go into here). And there will be times when you have to tell them no: No, I won't come to that wedding, or No, I won't show up at your kid's birthday, or No, I don't agree with what you want to do with our old parents who can't take care of themselves anymore, etc.

Just be careful, when those times come, as they certainly will, that you're sure to couch your statements -- especially your refusals -- in a way that lets them know you're not blaming them. Whether you attend a particular function or whether you opt to put the old folks in an assisted-living facility or whether you forgive, or not, a sibling for a past wrong, do it in a way that lets them know you still love them and are ready to support them in other ways. Don't attack them. Don't cut off ties. Leave all the doors and windows of communication and understanding open.

First do no harm. Be yourself and let everyone know, early on, who that self is and what he/she is willing to accept and go along with. Once they know who you are, the less likely they are to ask
you to do what you don't want to do.

And the less likely it will be that you have to do harm.

I think there's no way to live a full life on this earth without harming someone. There are so many feelings to deal with, most out of our control, that if we do what we think is right, we're almost certain to hurt someone's feelings just because what we decide to do conflicts with what someone else thought we should do. If we're true to ourselves, to our values and beliefs, we will do some harm to someone who doesn't agree with us, but not that much.

The goal is to do the LEAST harm possible. In other words, be true to yourself, but don't ever go out of your way to make life harder for someone else. As the Google people say, "Don't be evil." Live your life as honestly as possible, and if that honesty causes other people harm, that's just the price they pay for not being as honest as you. But be nice to them, for, as Jesus supposedly said on the cross, "They know not what they do." Your friends and family will often be selfish and unreasonable, but if you want to keep your relationships with them strong, you'll tell them that you're just the way you are but that you love them anyway. Don't back down but don't attack. Keep the high ground.

Whoever said being good and honest would win you lots of friends? In your family or out of it? Being true to yourself is hard just because it makes some people not like you. Can you handle that? If not, you better steer clear of politics. If so, you're likely to end up with friends and family who understand you and love you even when they don't agree with you. It's really hard to hate someone who knows where he/she stands and who is never malicious toward anyone.

Be the best person you can be, doing the least harm necessary to others, and you'll be okay.

Harm must be done sometimes, just because there are times when you are the bearer of bad news -- or truths about people they don't want to hear -- but be sure the harm you inflict on those you love is necessary.

Ouch.