Don't ask for opinions you don't really want.

The stereotypical question that all men dread goes something like this: "Does this outifit make me look fat?" Men are sent scurrying every day trying to avoid responding to this one.

Here's another: "Should I keep seeing him/her?" This one is usually asked of friends, mainly female, who know that there isn't a good answer.

And another: "Why don't you like my family?" This has to do with mothers-in-law and also siblings who adore your spouse and indulge him/her relentlessly.

One more: "What do you think of this new company plan?" If this is asked by a superior, and you're a junior partner, or new hire, you're in for potential trouble.

What all these scenarios have in common is a question asked by someone who is not really asking for an opinion but is trying to bolster his/her own. The asker already knows the answer he/she is looking for and is hoping you will agree. If you don't, you're the enemy.


"Does this outfit make me look fat?"


"No, of course not," you say. And then button your lip. The asker already knows if he/she looks fat and is only testing your love. For God's sake, don't say something like, "I'd love you no matter how big you are." Just say no and then shut the f*ck up.


"Should I keep seeing him/her?"


You probably know that your friend is more or less in love with the person in question but is having trouble with his or her (usually his) behavior toward your friend. Maybe he's just non-commital, a common ailment of men. Maybe he's seeing someone else on the sly, which you know about. But maybe he's hit her. Uh oh. Red flag. You love your friend and want to spare her future abuse. But guess what? You say something bad about that person, and it's likely to come back to haunt you. She may well end up with the guy and may resent your comments about him. "You said you didn't like him, right? Well, we're married now . . . "


Don't get sucked into no-win situations like this.


"What do you think of the new company plan?"


If this is a colleague, someone on your level, you might answer honestly: the company plan sucks or needs work or whatever. If it's a superior, then assume your opinion is really not being sought: that person has already made up his/her mind and is, again, trying to get you to agree. He or she isn't confident and wants support.

CAUTION: If you don't like the new company plan, don't sign on to it, verbally or otherwise. It could come back to haunt you if things don't work out, if the person who proposed it falls out of favor, even gets fired -- and if you sided with him/her. Protect your flank.

Here's what you say: "It's very interesting, but I haven't studied it enough. I'll get back to you on it, okay?" (And then hope it never comes up again.)


We're all guilty of asking for opinions when we really don't want them, when we're just trying to shore up our own decisions. We shouldn't impose on our friends and family and colleagues like that. They have their own problems. Try not to put anyone on the spot unless you sincerely want to know what he or she thinks. And if you're the one asked for your opinion, try to figure out if the asker really wants it or is just trying to get support for something he or she has already decided. Be careful which side you come down on because you never know which side will win.


What all this means is that you should try not to ask for an opinion unless you really can't figure something out. It may have to do with business, but it may as well have to do with your wayward teen or your drinking husband or your stunted dreams or just the neighbor's barking dog or the newspaper delivery person always throwing the morning paper under your car. Whatever it is, don't ask for an opinion when you already know what you want to do. That's putting your loved ones and others under lots of pressure and with no way out.


We're all uncertain, at times, about our decisions, whether in business or in life. And some of those decisions are life-changing. Sometimes we do need some advice and should ask for it. And sometimes our bosses are really asking for our input because they, being human, really don't don't know how to turn the business around.

The key is knowing when advice is being solicited because it's really being asked for or when it's just to make someone else look good. Don't ask for advice unless you really want it. Don't give advice unless you're sure someone really wants it.

Sounds simple but, as with most things in life, it isn't.

In the end, be yourself, and offer advice when you think someone wants it and ask for advice when you really want it. And always say thank you, whether you take the advice or not.

In the end, do what you think best.