Secret and private are not the same.

I have a friend who smokes cigarettes but not around anyone else. It's his own addiction, and he tries not to inflict it on others. His wife says she knows he smokes, that she can smell it on him. She says he's a secret smoker. But since he doesn't deny that he smokes, I disagree.


He's a private smoker, not a secret smoker. He admits to the practice but chooses to keep it, as well as he can, to himself. I won't smoke in front of you, and I'll only do it outside the house, okay?


Before you judge, think about this: is there anything you do in private that you wouldn't do in public?


Of course there's bathing. You don't bathe or shower in public. Or use the toilet.

But what else?

Do you masturbate? Probably. Do you do it in public? I think not. But do you do it private? Of course.

And isn't it done with a bit of regret/remorse? Some degree of guilt? Why do I need to do this? Why isn't my love life, with my partner, enough? Am I thinking of someone else when I do this?

So there you go. At least one thing you might do in private that you wouldn't dream of doing in public and that you're uneasy about.

Like my friend's smoking.

What about those cookies you gorge on when no one's looking? Or that booze you swig in the garage that you think your wife doesn't smell on your breath? If you admit that you eat too many cookies and that you drink too much, then you can call your indulgences private, not secret. It doesn't excuse them, but it might excuse you. Up to a point.


That point may come when your privacies become public. If your drinking problem lands you in the slammer with a D.U.I., your privacy is null and void. If your over-eating causes problems with your spouse, who has always said that he/she doesn't want to be married to a fat person, then you have a problem no longer private. If your collection of letters from old lovers is un-earthed by your kids and shown to everybody . . . you get the picture. If and when your secret is out, your privacy violated, your soul on display, well, that's when you have to suck it up and take a good look at who you are.

It's always good anyway to stop and look at ourselves. Are you someone who does lots of things in private? Why? Do you devote just as much time to your spouse or significant other as you do to your private moments? Or do you have lots of secrets? Why? What are you hiding, and from whom? Is it for their good or yours?

I think privacy is a fine personal privilege so long as it's not hurting anyone else. But if it becomes a secret, we're courting interpersonal disaster. The one we've committed to, whether we're married or not, has a right to know about anything that might harm the relationship. If you secretly keep porn, in magazines under your bed or on the internet, that might be a problem. If you hoard money, same thing. But if you only love to watch soaps on TV while your spouse is at work, that can be worked out. Same as if you like to sneak a beer with friends at a local pub, so long as you don't come home drunk.


We all have secret lives and private lives and shared lives and public lives, and sometimes it's like keeping all the juggled balls in the air to keep them apart. Our best bet is to be honest with our mates, married to or not, and then go from there. But sometimes it's not that simple, and the person we're with may not approve of what we're doing, be it drinking with friends or going out hang-gliding when we said we'd given that up. Maybe we're not so close to our spouse anymore, even thinking of divorce, but we're running for office and have to keep up the charade. Or maybe we have fantasies that we pursue online that we think no one will ever know about.


We humans are incredibly deceitful when it comes to our deepest impulses. And we should be. Who can understand your attraction to buying shoes you don't need but love because they look cool and fit you? Or your need to see girls bare-breasted on the internet? Or your love of the TV channel that shows guys fishing in the Carribean? Or boxing? Or your attraction to those cooking shows that your spouse despises?

Some things we should keep private, our own indulgences, but not if they interfere with our relationships. If our spouse really and truly objects to something we love, we have to stop and take stock. Is this obsession of mine worth risking my love of this person? Some of us may have to give things up to preserve the relationship. And it works both ways. The woman may have to give up her best friend who can't stand her husband, or the man may have to give up time with his buds because she thinks they're neanderthals. In any meaningful relationship, each must surrender something for the sake of the union. Sorry about that, but it's how it works.

So anyway, secret and private are not the same. Secret is what you don't tell anyone. Private is what you do on your own time. Just be sure they stay that way and don't stray into the gray area of what affects your love for and commitment to someone else. The union is always first.

Did you give up something to be married to this person? Well, duh, of course you did! Is it worth, in the long run, what you gave up? That's up to you and him or her. Sometimes it is, sometimes not. But don't give up too soon, just because you're dissatisfied. You'd likely be as dissatisfied, sooner or later, with anyone else you chose. We humans all have faults, and they're displayed at their worst in relationships. (Hey, left alone, you can watch TV in your underwear, right?)

Does he/she accept you as you are and let you keep your secrets secret and privacies private? If so, don't throw it away! The next guy/girl you fall for is not likely to be so accommodating.

Secret and private are not the same. Keep your secrets, and keep some things private. But always remember to share what you have in common. And be ready and willing to give up something, as long as you get something of value in return.

It's the not-so-secret secret to long marriages.