We choose who we stay in contact with.

We all have old friends and family members we've promised to keep in touch with. "Write me," we say, or "Call me" or "Don't be a stranger." And we mean it. These are people we really do intend to maintain a relationship with. But, for the most part, we don't.

Why not?

As we go through life, we encounter lots of people we like and want to know in the future, but we all keep moving and changing partners and growing and evolving and . . . well, in the end, we lose touch.

It's not anyone's fault. We have the best intentions when we promise to stay in contact. It's just that life is unpredictable and leads us all in directions we never anticipated. Someone we knew and liked in third grade or, later, in high school, when we were teenagers, grows up to be someone who has nothing much in common with us. And vice versa. Each of us grew up to be someone totally unexpected by either of us.

Or we may contact a former boyfriend or girlfriend on the internet and, when we meet, discover that -- uh oh -- we're wildly different people now.

I think it's natural to want to connect with those who were important to us at various stages of our lives, but it's not always a good idea. We were younger then; now we're older. Everything has changed.

On the other hand, there ARE people we knew way back when that we still have something in common with. Invariably, that person is one who really knew us -- who "got" us -- for the person we were and probably, for the most part, still are. And if that person hasn't changed all that much, as we think we haven't -- same personality, same values, etc. -- we may be able to re-connect and renew the friendship that never changed, even as we did. It may be someone from school or work or the army or wherever and whenever, but the bond we formed was deep and real and endures. That's who we should try to stay in touch with.

I don't buy the idea that certain people are important to us only as a result of a particular time and place: our childhood friends, our school friends, etc. Those who matter most to us, who we choose to keep in touch with, touched us in a profound way that endures. They understood us back then and still do. In the era of Facebook and other social networking sites, it's easy to think that because we were in the same place at the same time, we ought to share an intimacy.

Nonsense.

We all have lists of people we think we should send Christmas cards to, and we debate whether we should send one to this or that person or couple or family, but if we have to ponder it, the answer is likely to be "No". It's been too long, the connection is broken, etc. If we have social obligations -- they invite us to parties, we invite them -- then by all means send the card. But if it's someone from way back that we haven't heard from in a long time, even when we've sent cards in the past, it may be time to cross those people off the list. A nice memory. And hey, what's wrong with that?

Life is long; life is short. Life is a river that keeps moving, sweeping along people and places and events. They come and they go. We loved the time we spent with them, but it soon passes. Part of our experience, what it's like to be alive, to be human.

In the meantime, don't be fooled or bullied by social custom. If you truly value someone from your life so far spent, by all means try to keep that connection going. But if you're just doing the Facebook thing of accumulating "friends" who aren't really your friends, then start paring down that Christmas card list. They don't really care, and neither should you.

We meet so many people in our lives and make vague promises to lots of them, but, in the end, there are only a few -- more than a few, if we're lucky -- who are worth our attention later on. Don't judge yourself by how many people you know. It's all about how many mean something to you, even now, even after you've lost touch with them.

Those are the ones you should try to stay in contact with, the ones who matter.

Life is all about choices, and who we choose to stay in contact with is one of them.