Bullying can be overcome, in time.

In the old days, when I was growing up in a small town in Texas, bullying meant that some big guy targeted you or me as someone he could beat up. It didn't matter the reason -- that I was queer or somehow different, Hispanic or black or whatever -- the challenge was there. I'll meet you out back after classes are over and whip your ass.

In that classic case, the bully just wanted to show his buddies that he could beat me/you up.

I never knew how to interpret those threats -- and I had a few -- because when you're 10 or 12 or 13, what are you supposed to do? Avoid the bully? Back down? Not leave your house?

Of course you could report the bullying to authorities -- the high school pincipal, counselor, your parents -- but then you were labeled as a snitch, the guy or girl who told on somebody. Still, you didn't want to confront that bully, who was likely bigger and meaner than you.

What's a nice, normal boy or girl to do?

What goes on in schools is pretty much under the radar. Your parents know the activities you do in school, the honors you might get, even the disappointments over a bad grade or if someone turns you down for the prom -- but they don't know the low level violence that percolates in all schools, the boys and girls who come from "bad" families and who know only one way to communicate with you: through violence, often the violence they've already endured and are only too ready to unleash on you.

Of course you can stand up to the bully -- agree to a fight or whatever -- but that's only going to get you pummeled and humiliated. Or you can decline the offer to fight, which makes you a sissy not willing to stand up for yourself. You can try to be reasonable, but bullies aren't reasonable.

So, again, what's a non-violent kid to do?

I wish I had an answer, but I don't. Bullies appear mainly when we're young, but they can also make themselves known later, when we have a boss who intimidates us or even a spouse who is abusive. In any case, we have to do SOMETHING, no?

I think I would advise young people who are bullied to just say, "I don't want to fight you." It may be perceived as an admission of weakness/fear, but it's honest. Give them the ego boost they need, and you may spare yourself a beating. When you're older, it's more complicated, as everything is. Say to your bullying boss, "I don't feel comfortable here. Maybe I should move on." That depends, of course, on whether you really mean it: Don't quit a job, however distasteful, until you have prospects. To an abusive spouse, you might say, "I seem to make you mad, and when you're mad you lash out at me." Again, be sure you're ready to separate from that spouse if he or she doesn't agree and keeps abusing you. And hope that he -- it's almost
always a he, no? -- doesn't seek vengeance on you later. As a last resort, move away. There are lots of nice places to live in this country.

In short, when you're bullied, whether in school or in a job or a marriage, when someone is actually threatening you, find a way out that lets you get on with your life as you envision it and don't look back. That bully is part of your past.

There are people in the world, in our lives, who are disgruntled, dissatisfied, angry about how their own lives have turned out. If you encounter one when you're young, or end up working for one or -- God help you -- marry one, recognize it early and try to de-fuse that anger before it is let loose on you. As a kid, it's harder, since everyone is watching to see how you handle the challenge from the thug, but I would still recommend backing down, saying, in effect, you're the dominant male here, and I defer to you in this situation. Who cares if you come across looking like a cowardly nerd? Long after that small-town or innner-city thug is working at a 7-11 and maybe dealing dope on the side, or in prison, you'll have graduated from college and gone on to better things. As an adult, it's not much easier, since you're supposed to be all grown-up and able to handle such things, but it can be done, at any age.

Always remember what some smart person once said: The best revenge is living well.

Don't challenge the bullies. They want that. They want to beat you up. Decline the fight. If you have to, weasel out of it and move on with your life. Trust me, you'll be better off in the end. Better off than them, in most cases.

In our new communication universe, there is what I've heard called "cyber-bullying" which is unlike the old face-to-face kind and is actually harder to fight. Let's say someone keeps telling lies about you online -- on Facebook or wherever -- really nasty stuff. What to do about that?

Here's what I'd recommend. Go onto your website -- or Facebook page -- and spell it out for all your friends. Say that someone is trashing you for no good reason. Let all your friends know that none of it is true and that you hope they don't believe any of it. Don't try to call the bully out, as that's what he/she wants, if just to find a reason to attack you even more. Pretend it doesn't matter, and re-assure your friends that you're who you always were, and are, and you would appreciate it if they ignored the online snipes just as you're doing.

We can't control what others say about us, online or in person or behind our backs, but we can control what our friends hear from us. Fight back by telling your real friends the truth.

The young thugs I knew growing up depended on peer pressure to validate their superiority: If I can back him down, or beat him up, and if everybody sees it, I win.

It wasn't true then and it's not now. Rise above the threats and insinuations, ignoring them if you can, avoiding them at all costs. And keep in mind that bullies are almost always locked into a certain place, an environment where they thrive, like weeds. Move beyond that place and that time and don't look back.

Make all the bullies in your life just unpleasant memories.

In the great scheme of things, your life, they don't amount to anything. They're blips on the screen. They didn't matter to you then, and they don't matter now. They are part of what made you who you are, but it was a learning experience, nothing more.

You are who you are because of all you've endured and learned from.

Just be sure you've really learned something.