Order from catalogues but be careful.

Being a guy, I don't like spending lots of time in stores, wandering the aisles, trying to decide whether this or that looks good on me or what to buy for someone. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible.

The catalogue people know this and advertise to me. Once I ordered something from one of them and, soon after, my mailbox was stuffed with all these glossy magazines -- that's what they are -- showing me any number of things that a man might buy without going into a store.


Voila! An easy way to shop for the woman in my life -- and maybe me, too. What could be better or easier?

And everything looks great. The people who put out these catalogs know how to photograph their products in the right light to make you want to buy them. But, as tempting as it is to just mail in an order for this or that, be careful.

Take a deep breath. Consider what you're doing.


Do you really want/need what you're considering ordering? Does anyone else? Garages and junk rooms are full of stuff that looked good on the page.

Will your spouse or significant other appreciate, or even approve of, what you're buying for him or for her? Or for yourself?


And do you know all the policies of the catalog you're thinking of ordering from? No, of course you don't. It's in the small print, which no one ever reads.


For instance, do you understand shipping and handling charges? Neither do I (or anyone else). The shipping charge -- what it costs to send the item to me -- seems reasonable if it's what FedEx or UPS or the P.O. really charges. After all, I'm saving myself a trip to the mall, and that's worth a few bucks.

But that charge is usually linked with what's called "Handling" so you have not just a "Shipping" charge but a "Handling and Shipping"charge. And it's not based on weight, which makes some sense, but on the price of what you ordered. Like it costs more to "handle" an expensive item than a cheaper one? Are they more careful in handling my vase than my book? Or vice versa if the book costs more. How do they figure that charge?

That very real complaint aside, if you're too busy to shop and are willing to pay the "handling" charge as well as the shipping charge, then by all means go ahead and order. I do it myself. There are things for sale in catalogues that you won't find anywhere else. Certain cured and smoked meats from a famous barbeque place or fruitcakes from a a very old bakery in Cosicana, Texas. Throwing knives? I've never thrown a knife, but I'm interested. And at only about twenty bucks for a set (plus shipping and handling). Sure, why not?


Seen any throwing knives at Target lately? Or the mall? (Maybe, if they have a knife shop.)


Just know what you're paying and don't gripe about it later.

Also check the catalog's returns policy. Some will accept anything back with no fuss. Others delay paying you or, in one case I recently encountered, write to you saying that if you want a cash refund, it will take a long time, but if you accept catalog coupons instead of real money, it can be done right away. In short, be sure before you order that you know what happens if you don't like what you get. Remember that you can just walk an item back into a Target store and get a no-questions refund.

Again, assuming you decide to order something from a catalog -- as I have often, with mixed results -- be careful about what you order. It's always risky ordering clothes by mail, especially if you're a woman who knows how sizes mean next to nothing. I would recommend ordering shawls and wraps and maybe one-size-fits-all items, like wading boots, but nothing that depends on trying something on. If it doesn't fit, you may be liable for the return postage.

There are all kinds of practical things that can be ordered from catalogs -- tools and books and automotive aids, etc. -- but be sure they aren't also found in nearby big box stores, and cheaper. If you live in a remote area of the world, with no access to Home Depot or Best Buy, then catalogs are your salvation -- and damn the S&H costs! Otherwise, check around first.

I think catalogs are best when, like the old Sears Christmas version, they are wish lists. Stuff we'd like to have but can't afford . . . or can we? Stuff we think our loved ones would like and that we know we can't get for them at the mall. The magic of catalogs is stimulating our imaginations and also letting us shop virtually from the comfort of a good chair or even our bed.

If you decide to order from catalogues, here are some basic guidelines:

1. Is what you order what you're going to get? Remember that a good photographer can make a piece of crap look really good. I've ordered things that ended up smaller or less attractive than they appeared on the page, or were made of inferior materials.

2. Don't order clothes that you can't try on unless you have an iron-clad guarantee that you can return them at no charge to you. Otherwise, why not just go to the mall and save yourself the shipping and handling fee? If it's something you can't get anywhere else, and you're willing to pay the price, then go for it. Otherwise, shop around.

3. Pay attention to shipping/handling charges. Shipping should be what it costs to mail it to you, but what exactly is "handling"? Did I pay extra for someone to put my order into a box to send to me? Isn't that what they're paid to do? And why does that charge go up with the price I'm paying? Shouldn't it increase only as the weight of my order increases? Read the fine print.


4. Do you really need/want that item? Or are you -- like me -- just kind of lured into buying it because it looks good? For instance, I was tempted to buy a glass sculpture of a sting ray that I could put on a coffee table for only about fifty bucks, but then I thought about how many artsy things I already have and no place to put them. I could use that money to pay for some gas.

5. Is this something you're buying as a gift? Be sure someone really wants it before you plunk down big bucks for the shipping and handling. Could you buy the same thing cheaper in your own town at some downtown store? Is it unique? Never seen it anywhere else? if so, buy it.


6. Be sure you understand the returns policy. Can you return an item without paying a lot more for that privilege? Are you offered a gift certificate to that catalog instead of a refund? Read the fine print before you order.


7. Is this something you can't get anywhere else? I think this is a good reason to shop by catalogue. If you're into fishing or outdoor stuff or even -- what? -- knitting or ceramics, or if you live in a place where you can't find any of the stuff you need, then by all means order from the catalogues. Some of us find ourselves in isolated outposts with no where else to shop, no?

8. If you're a guy, consider catalogues. Guys don't like to shop but like to spend money, especially on themselves. There are catalogues galore that appeal to us. Hunting and fishing and even throwing knives and guns. Camping stuff you wouldn't believe! If you're willing to pay a little or a lot extra for not having to go to a store, there are catalogues that will keep you reading well into the night.

9. If you're a woman, most of the catalogues are directed at you. Lots of clothes -- some that are gorgeous and would look good on you -- as well as beautiful art objects you can imagine putting on your mantel. But, again, beware of clothes listed in sizes that may or may not be accurate. And check the size of that cut-glass owl for your mantel, as it may be smaller than it looked on page 34. And -- not to whip further a dead horse -- remember that you may have to pay to return it.

10. Only order from a catalogue if (1) you can't get it somewhere else, and cheaper, (2) you don't want to shop in your hometown , (3) you don't care if it costs extra , and (4) you want to get lots more catalogues in the mail because once you order something, they'll be filling your mailbox for a long time to come. (And hey, I don't mind that. I like looking through them, and if I don't want anything, I just re-cycle them.)


In the end, know that catalogs -- or catalogues, the old spelling that I prefer-- do offer you some things that you can't get anywhere else, and it may be worth paying all the extra charges to get what you want. Not to mention that it's kind of a kick to have a package show up on your doorstep from time to time, unexpectedly, and to open it and find something very cool.

Just know what you're ordering and what it will cost.


I still think I should have bought that blown-glass stingray. Damn!


Happy shopping!