Grandparents are a second opinion.

We all have parents. It's a given. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. Some do a good job of raising us, some less so. But they are there, regardless, to be dealt with or not, as we choose while growing up and trying to figure out who we are and how to be adults ourselves.

The problem, if it's a problem, comes when we have kids of our own. Lord knows the arrival of a child in our previously me/us-centric lives complicates things. Immeasurably. Permanently. A whole new person to accommodate and -- gasp! -- to teach all the the things we have learned and should have learned.

As a new dad, I was absolutely un-prepared. My father, and his and all fathers before him, never changed diapers or had wives who wanted careers of their own and expected the men to do their share of kid duty. It was a true learning experience. But, like lots of new dads, I soon found that I kind of liked looking at that new person who sucked so enthusiastically at a bottle and looked up at me from time to time with what I thought was real recognition. "Da da" I used to coo to my babies. "Da Da." I'm not not sure that any of them used it as their first word, but I tried.

But with every new birth comes the complications, in this case the roles of grandparents, our own parents now once-removed from the process and ready to offer advice. How could they not? After all, they had us and raised us, and here we are, new parents! Advice is needed, no?

In my reading of the advice columns -- yes, you read them, too -- lots of the complaints are about grandparents who want to intrude themselves into your lives and the life of the new person, who, after all, is a blood descendant. And besides, they've lived a lot longer and have learned a thing or two about raising kids -- both good and bad -- and really just want to make your experience as new parents that much easier. What's wrong with that?

Of course what's wrong is that new parents with a new baby are sort of in a cocoon: for the first time a real family unit. You and me and baby makes three. Probably no time in any marriage are you and your spouse closer than when you're both playing with and marveling at that most amazing of human endeavors: a baby. A new person. In your house. In your lives. Whoa!

But you have to back up and realize that your parents' parents, the grandparents, are marveling, too. That little baby they brought into the world -- you -- has grown up to have babies of his/her own. And this time they don't have to change the diapers and get up in the middle of the night. They can be consultants. (And everyone knows that's the best job you can have! )

It may be that your parents weren't all that effective as parents and you hesitate to welcome them into your new family circle. Or maybe they were, but you still would rather raise this new child the way you want, without interference. (If they were awful and abused you, of course you can exclude them or at least try to, but usually that's not the case.) It's up to you, as care-takers for this next-generation person, to decide what rules to set down, what practices to follow, etc. As the official bosses, you get to raise your child as you see fit.

But don't be too quick to dismiss the advice of grandparents. They really have lived longer than you and maybe have learned something. And they did give birth to you and saw you through to this important point in your life. Hey, you survived, so they must have done something right, no?

They, the grandparents, should be not the first source you turn to in trying to rear your kid to be a responsible adult but may well be a reliable second opinion.

Be thankful if you have any.

I grew up without grandparents. They were all gone before I was born, except for one grandmother, who died when I was thirteen. When my parents did something I thought stupid or selfish or short-sighted, I had no one to go to for a second opinion. How good it would have felt if I'd been able to go to grandma's and grandpa's house and hear them tell me how my own parents had made stupid mistakes, too, but had come through it and had sired such a fine boy as me. They would have taken my side -- I wasn't a delinquent, just a confused teen -- but also told me to bear with my parents and give them another chance.

And they would have introduced me to all the things they loved in life that maybe my parents didn't appreciate or didn't even know about -- or had rejected when they were young. Camping and fishing or cooking or art or astronomy or whatever. The old ones among us -- the grandparents, the ancient ones, the tribal elders -- know things that our moms and dads don't.

And they have the real advantage of having run the race and are now comfortable just sitting back and doing whatever they want (if they've saved their money and invested wisely), and can think about gardening and maybe writing their memoirs, and, of course, advice. Whatever our parents are going through the grandparents have already gone through. They can advise us on what they did right and what they regret and wish they could do over. Mom and Dad can't give us that kind of perspective, as they're still living their lives, making new mistakes. Every day.

That said, parents have the main say-so about how we, as kids, are brought up. In some families, grandparents -- especially if they're rich -- are in charge, but for most of us, they are second opinions. If Mom says not to date that boy because he doesn't have a job but you're in love with him, go to Grandma, who may well tell you how your mother almost made the same mistake years before over a similarly-unemployed handsome young man. If Dad says you need to give up your dreams of writing movies and get a real job, ask Grandpa, who might tell you how he has a couple of film scripts in a file somewhere that he wishes he'd tried harder to sell.

Size up your Grandma and Grandpa, and be honest. Are they trustworthy? Are they still all together? Do they own a house? Do you like being with them? If, in the end, you think that, despite their wrinkles and slow movements, they're pretty smart -- which they probably are -- go to them when your parents seem unreasonable, which they will often seem to be.

Trust your parents first, but don't forget their parents. Just don't try to pit one against the other, as you'll surely lose in the end. Always remember that your parents get the first shot at advising you. Grandparents are the back-up. I think all smart grandmas and grandpas understand that. And they love the role.

And they love you!