You can't undo love.

Once you've been in love with someone, you can't undo it. As much as you might like to.  Sorry, but what's done is done.  If you fall out of love with someone you've been in love with, the process of getting free, un-tangling yourself from all that is tricky at best. And very sad at worst.

But the memory of that love remains forever.  It's always a part of you.

The good news is that once you've been "in love" you know what it's like and should be on alert for it happening again, with the knowledge you gained from the first time. The bad news is that it can strike you again without warning, and it may be, again, someone you shouldn't be falling in love with.

Saying you're in love with someone is a serious statement, as the other person is likely to take it as a promise  to stay with him or her forever.  Be careful before you say it. [See an earlier posting.]

This is not to be confused with silly avowals of love you may utter during dating or even sex with someone you don't really want to see again -- as long as the other person understands you didn't mean it.  We may all, in the first ecstatic dates with someone really attractive, or at the moment of climax, say "I love you" without understanding its import.  Try not to.  Just say, "Wow, that was great."  Don't make commitments based on a one-night stand.

But sooner or later we all meet someone we think might be our life partner. ( If we're lucky, or unlucky, we meet more than one).  Real love only hits us once or twice in a lifetime, and we know when it happens. We can't explain it, but we know it.  And nobody can tell us -- however they might try -- any different.

Most of us fall in love for the first time when we're very young, probably teenagers, and it almost never works out, so that we're already down one with only more left to go. (Okay, maybe two.)  If we're lucky we fall in love for the first time when we're a little older and maybe smarter, which gives us a much better chance of making it work and also of picking a better partner next time around if the first one doesn't last.

Smarter is always better.

What does it mean to "fall in love"?  Endless songs and poems have been written about it, but what, really, does it mean?  Since it sort of defies explanation, let me offer this: Being in love means that you think you could live the rest of your life with this person, that you understand his/her faults but can forgive them, that you want to share your body and your innermost thoughts with this person right now and for years to come.  You imagine yourself staying with this other person, physically, intimately, psychologically, intellectually, for all eternity or at least for the rest of your lives.  For better or worse.  Amen.

And -- the big AND -- you think this other person could/would be a good father/mother to your children.  Because -- sorry for the spoiler -- a time will come when the sex wanes and, with the arrival of children, the responsibilities multiply, so you'd better be sure that person you fell in love with is a responsible adult who can handle the big changes that not just marriage but also kids will dump in his/her lap.  It ain't for the faint of heart.  Trust me on that.  I've been there.

Here's where love gets tested.  Was the bond strong?  Was the commitment real?  Are you really a couple till death do you part?  Really?

Love is a strong - a primal -- urge that goes beyond sex.  Love is sharing with another as with no other.  Love is saying you will stick with this other person through "thick and thin" and will try to make the union last.  If something happens that breaks the bond, and if it's your fault, you have to do all you can to mend it.  And I mean all.  That's love.  The primal fear is that you may lose that special someone you married.

But even if all fails and you separate from that husband or wife you were once in love with, it's hard to undo the love you once shared.  It changed you, way down deep.  For the first time, you actually valued another human as you valued yourself.  Whoa!  That's heavy.  I think that's why people who divorce often can't let go, emotionally, of their discarded partners.  Something happened there that can't be discounted.  Second husbands and wives need to know that and deal with it.  Up to a point.  A second love, it it's real, doesn't cancel the first one but mutes it.

All that said, I say again that love can happen any time, anywhere.  We can be free or not free and romantic love the furthest thing from our minds when suddenly it's right there in our faces.  The initial attraction is kind of immediate, but the process is slower so you have plenty of time to think about it.  If you're married at the time to someone you're no longer in love with, be careful.  If you're married to someone you still love, be extra careful.  But if  you're single and looking for love, go for it!  What the hell?

If circumstances permit, give love a chance.  It's strong medicine for what may ail us.  But remember that it is addictive and can't be undone once it takes effect,  If you're not up for the risk, avoid it. It can sting. But if you're game, I say why not?

Good luck!