Order from catalogues but be careful.

Being a guy, I don't like spending lots of time in stores, wandering the aisles, trying to decide whether this or that looks good on me or what to buy for someone. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible.

The catalogue people know this and advertise to me. Once I ordered something from one of them and, soon after, my mailbox was stuffed with all these glossy magazines -- that's what they are -- showing me any number of things that a man might buy without going into a store.


Voila! An easy way to shop for the woman in my life -- and maybe me, too. What could be better or easier?

And everything looks great. The people who put out these catalogs know how to photograph their products in the right light to make you want to buy them. But, as tempting as it is to just mail in an order for this or that, be careful.

Take a deep breath. Consider what you're doing.


Do you really want/need what you're considering ordering? Does anyone else? Garages and junk rooms are full of stuff that looked good on the page.

Will your spouse or significant other appreciate, or even approve of, what you're buying for him or for her? Or for yourself?


And do you know all the policies of the catalog you're thinking of ordering from? No, of course you don't. It's in the small print, which no one ever reads.


For instance, do you understand shipping and handling charges? Neither do I (or anyone else). The shipping charge -- what it costs to send the item to me -- seems reasonable if it's what FedEx or UPS or the P.O. really charges. After all, I'm saving myself a trip to the mall, and that's worth a few bucks.

But that charge is usually linked with what's called "Handling" so you have not just a "Shipping" charge but a "Handling and Shipping"charge. And it's not based on weight, which makes some sense, but on the price of what you ordered. Like it costs more to "handle" an expensive item than a cheaper one? Are they more careful in handling my vase than my book? Or vice versa if the book costs more. How do they figure that charge?

That very real complaint aside, if you're too busy to shop and are willing to pay the "handling" charge as well as the shipping charge, then by all means go ahead and order. I do it myself. There are things for sale in catalogues that you won't find anywhere else. Certain cured and smoked meats from a famous barbeque place or fruitcakes from a a very old bakery in Cosicana, Texas. Throwing knives? I've never thrown a knife, but I'm interested. And at only about twenty bucks for a set (plus shipping and handling). Sure, why not?


Seen any throwing knives at Target lately? Or the mall? (Maybe, if they have a knife shop.)


Just know what you're paying and don't gripe about it later.

Also check the catalog's returns policy. Some will accept anything back with no fuss. Others delay paying you or, in one case I recently encountered, write to you saying that if you want a cash refund, it will take a long time, but if you accept catalog coupons instead of real money, it can be done right away. In short, be sure before you order that you know what happens if you don't like what you get. Remember that you can just walk an item back into a Target store and get a no-questions refund.

Again, assuming you decide to order something from a catalog -- as I have often, with mixed results -- be careful about what you order. It's always risky ordering clothes by mail, especially if you're a woman who knows how sizes mean next to nothing. I would recommend ordering shawls and wraps and maybe one-size-fits-all items, like wading boots, but nothing that depends on trying something on. If it doesn't fit, you may be liable for the return postage.

There are all kinds of practical things that can be ordered from catalogs -- tools and books and automotive aids, etc. -- but be sure they aren't also found in nearby big box stores, and cheaper. If you live in a remote area of the world, with no access to Home Depot or Best Buy, then catalogs are your salvation -- and damn the S&H costs! Otherwise, check around first.

I think catalogs are best when, like the old Sears Christmas version, they are wish lists. Stuff we'd like to have but can't afford . . . or can we? Stuff we think our loved ones would like and that we know we can't get for them at the mall. The magic of catalogs is stimulating our imaginations and also letting us shop virtually from the comfort of a good chair or even our bed.

If you decide to order from catalogues, here are some basic guidelines:

1. Is what you order what you're going to get? Remember that a good photographer can make a piece of crap look really good. I've ordered things that ended up smaller or less attractive than they appeared on the page, or were made of inferior materials.

2. Don't order clothes that you can't try on unless you have an iron-clad guarantee that you can return them at no charge to you. Otherwise, why not just go to the mall and save yourself the shipping and handling fee? If it's something you can't get anywhere else, and you're willing to pay the price, then go for it. Otherwise, shop around.

3. Pay attention to shipping/handling charges. Shipping should be what it costs to mail it to you, but what exactly is "handling"? Did I pay extra for someone to put my order into a box to send to me? Isn't that what they're paid to do? And why does that charge go up with the price I'm paying? Shouldn't it increase only as the weight of my order increases? Read the fine print.


4. Do you really need/want that item? Or are you -- like me -- just kind of lured into buying it because it looks good? For instance, I was tempted to buy a glass sculpture of a sting ray that I could put on a coffee table for only about fifty bucks, but then I thought about how many artsy things I already have and no place to put them. I could use that money to pay for some gas.

5. Is this something you're buying as a gift? Be sure someone really wants it before you plunk down big bucks for the shipping and handling. Could you buy the same thing cheaper in your own town at some downtown store? Is it unique? Never seen it anywhere else? if so, buy it.


6. Be sure you understand the returns policy. Can you return an item without paying a lot more for that privilege? Are you offered a gift certificate to that catalog instead of a refund? Read the fine print before you order.


7. Is this something you can't get anywhere else? I think this is a good reason to shop by catalogue. If you're into fishing or outdoor stuff or even -- what? -- knitting or ceramics, or if you live in a place where you can't find any of the stuff you need, then by all means order from the catalogues. Some of us find ourselves in isolated outposts with no where else to shop, no?

8. If you're a guy, consider catalogues. Guys don't like to shop but like to spend money, especially on themselves. There are catalogues galore that appeal to us. Hunting and fishing and even throwing knives and guns. Camping stuff you wouldn't believe! If you're willing to pay a little or a lot extra for not having to go to a store, there are catalogues that will keep you reading well into the night.

9. If you're a woman, most of the catalogues are directed at you. Lots of clothes -- some that are gorgeous and would look good on you -- as well as beautiful art objects you can imagine putting on your mantel. But, again, beware of clothes listed in sizes that may or may not be accurate. And check the size of that cut-glass owl for your mantel, as it may be smaller than it looked on page 34. And -- not to whip further a dead horse -- remember that you may have to pay to return it.

10. Only order from a catalogue if (1) you can't get it somewhere else, and cheaper, (2) you don't want to shop in your hometown , (3) you don't care if it costs extra , and (4) you want to get lots more catalogues in the mail because once you order something, they'll be filling your mailbox for a long time to come. (And hey, I don't mind that. I like looking through them, and if I don't want anything, I just re-cycle them.)


In the end, know that catalogs -- or catalogues, the old spelling that I prefer-- do offer you some things that you can't get anywhere else, and it may be worth paying all the extra charges to get what you want. Not to mention that it's kind of a kick to have a package show up on your doorstep from time to time, unexpectedly, and to open it and find something very cool.

Just know what you're ordering and what it will cost.


I still think I should have bought that blown-glass stingray. Damn!


Happy shopping!

Bullying can be overcome, in time.

In the old days, when I was growing up in a small town in Texas, bullying meant that some big guy targeted you or me as someone he could beat up. It didn't matter the reason -- that I was queer or somehow different, Hispanic or black or whatever -- the challenge was there. I'll meet you out back after classes are over and whip your ass.

In that classic case, the bully just wanted to show his buddies that he could beat me/you up.

I never knew how to interpret those threats -- and I had a few -- because when you're 10 or 12 or 13, what are you supposed to do? Avoid the bully? Back down? Not leave your house?

Of course you could report the bullying to authorities -- the high school pincipal, counselor, your parents -- but then you were labeled as a snitch, the guy or girl who told on somebody. Still, you didn't want to confront that bully, who was likely bigger and meaner than you.

What's a nice, normal boy or girl to do?

What goes on in schools is pretty much under the radar. Your parents know the activities you do in school, the honors you might get, even the disappointments over a bad grade or if someone turns you down for the prom -- but they don't know the low level violence that percolates in all schools, the boys and girls who come from "bad" families and who know only one way to communicate with you: through violence, often the violence they've already endured and are only too ready to unleash on you.

Of course you can stand up to the bully -- agree to a fight or whatever -- but that's only going to get you pummeled and humiliated. Or you can decline the offer to fight, which makes you a sissy not willing to stand up for yourself. You can try to be reasonable, but bullies aren't reasonable.

So, again, what's a non-violent kid to do?

I wish I had an answer, but I don't. Bullies appear mainly when we're young, but they can also make themselves known later, when we have a boss who intimidates us or even a spouse who is abusive. In any case, we have to do SOMETHING, no?

I think I would advise young people who are bullied to just say, "I don't want to fight you." It may be perceived as an admission of weakness/fear, but it's honest. Give them the ego boost they need, and you may spare yourself a beating. When you're older, it's more complicated, as everything is. Say to your bullying boss, "I don't feel comfortable here. Maybe I should move on." That depends, of course, on whether you really mean it: Don't quit a job, however distasteful, until you have prospects. To an abusive spouse, you might say, "I seem to make you mad, and when you're mad you lash out at me." Again, be sure you're ready to separate from that spouse if he or she doesn't agree and keeps abusing you. And hope that he -- it's almost
always a he, no? -- doesn't seek vengeance on you later. As a last resort, move away. There are lots of nice places to live in this country.

In short, when you're bullied, whether in school or in a job or a marriage, when someone is actually threatening you, find a way out that lets you get on with your life as you envision it and don't look back. That bully is part of your past.

There are people in the world, in our lives, who are disgruntled, dissatisfied, angry about how their own lives have turned out. If you encounter one when you're young, or end up working for one or -- God help you -- marry one, recognize it early and try to de-fuse that anger before it is let loose on you. As a kid, it's harder, since everyone is watching to see how you handle the challenge from the thug, but I would still recommend backing down, saying, in effect, you're the dominant male here, and I defer to you in this situation. Who cares if you come across looking like a cowardly nerd? Long after that small-town or innner-city thug is working at a 7-11 and maybe dealing dope on the side, or in prison, you'll have graduated from college and gone on to better things. As an adult, it's not much easier, since you're supposed to be all grown-up and able to handle such things, but it can be done, at any age.

Always remember what some smart person once said: The best revenge is living well.

Don't challenge the bullies. They want that. They want to beat you up. Decline the fight. If you have to, weasel out of it and move on with your life. Trust me, you'll be better off in the end. Better off than them, in most cases.

In our new communication universe, there is what I've heard called "cyber-bullying" which is unlike the old face-to-face kind and is actually harder to fight. Let's say someone keeps telling lies about you online -- on Facebook or wherever -- really nasty stuff. What to do about that?

Here's what I'd recommend. Go onto your website -- or Facebook page -- and spell it out for all your friends. Say that someone is trashing you for no good reason. Let all your friends know that none of it is true and that you hope they don't believe any of it. Don't try to call the bully out, as that's what he/she wants, if just to find a reason to attack you even more. Pretend it doesn't matter, and re-assure your friends that you're who you always were, and are, and you would appreciate it if they ignored the online snipes just as you're doing.

We can't control what others say about us, online or in person or behind our backs, but we can control what our friends hear from us. Fight back by telling your real friends the truth.

The young thugs I knew growing up depended on peer pressure to validate their superiority: If I can back him down, or beat him up, and if everybody sees it, I win.

It wasn't true then and it's not now. Rise above the threats and insinuations, ignoring them if you can, avoiding them at all costs. And keep in mind that bullies are almost always locked into a certain place, an environment where they thrive, like weeds. Move beyond that place and that time and don't look back.

Make all the bullies in your life just unpleasant memories.

In the great scheme of things, your life, they don't amount to anything. They're blips on the screen. They didn't matter to you then, and they don't matter now. They are part of what made you who you are, but it was a learning experience, nothing more.

You are who you are because of all you've endured and learned from.

Just be sure you've really learned something.

Try walking barefoot.

When I was a kid growing up in a small town in Texas, I used to walk barefoot lots of the time. The weather, especially in spring and summer, lent itself to no shoes, and the bottoms of my feet grew pretty tough over time. It was the natural way to walk, no? Of course I couldn't cross hot asphalt streets in July without risking severe burns, but most of the time I was fine traversing my yard and neighboring yards, playing with friends, shoe-less. We just didn't give it a second thought. Shoes? Why? But now that I'm all grown up and living north of my childhood, I find myself more comfortable wearing shoes. It's cooler up here (in Colorado), and most of my activities seem to require shoes. Recently I walked out to get the newspaper in bare feet and was dismayed to find that the concrete of my driveway caused real pain in the soles of my feet. I stepped on a small stone, a pebble, and had to stop. Ouch! What happened? Well, of course what happened is that I'd let my feet grow soft. I've cradled them so long in shoes that they were no longer conversant with the underpinnings of my life. I could no longer walk on the sidewalk or the driveway -- maybe not even the lawn -- without feeling discomfort. (I thought of that particular torture in which someone beats on the soles of your feet with an iron bar: I'll tell, I thought, I'll tell! What a wuss!) I've lost contact with my own feet. I used to walk all around my yard and even around the neighborhood with no shoes on and was perfectly content because my feet had developed a thick layer on the bottom that made it feel okay. I think of those African runners who regularly win marathons because they grew up running without shoes: they are one with their feet. All the Adidas and Nikes in the world can't prepare you for that! So I decided to start training myself to go barefoot again. I now walk around the house, barefoot, on carpet largely but also on hardwood floors, whenever I can. It actually does feel a little strange at first, but after I've done it a while, I start to enjoy it: the contact of toes and heel and anything between with the actual floor, even the carpet, is something different, something new and old at the same time. Not long ago, I ventured barefoot into the yard, onto the grass, and was surprised at how good it felt and how many memories it conjured. Whoa! Because my lily-white feet were so spoiled by having been shod for so long, it was like they were re-discovering the texture of grass -- so cool in the morning, warmer in the afternoon -- and hesitated to tackle something as hard as the sidewalk. Still, I walked around a while, and the longer I walked, the more my feet seemed to appreciate my effort. They really liked it! There is a new trend in running shoes that emphasizes getting back to barefoot: doing away with the thick padded soles and concentrating on almost socks, anything to get back to the way we're supposed to walk and run. I'm not sure about the product but do applaud the intention. I haven't been doing my feet any favor by coddling them all these years in shoes. I need to let them breathe, let them do their stuff, let them strut and even run, on any and all surfaces. I'm not quite there yet. The cement/concrete still feels harsh under the wussy soles of my newly un-bound feet, but I'm getting there. Lord, I remember running a race with someone when I was about ten, both of us barefoot, and we ran over not just grass and sidewalks but two or three streets, and neither one of us thought about anything but winning. Our feet were an afterthought. Nowadays, I don't think I could run a block on a real street with no shoes on. Could you? If you want to get back in touch with your feet, start by taking your shoes off and walking around your own house. Carpets or not. Then tiptoe into the front and back yards. Watch where you walk, though: all sorts of things that don't penetrate your shoes can penetrate your naked foot. Try the driveway and the walk. Eventually take a step into the street. Walk around the street barefoot. Notice how warm it is in the later afternoon. You'll come back, if not a different person, then almost certainly a more enlightened one. Trust me on this. Get to know your feet again. You'll be glad, and so will they.