Men need to re-think the vagina.

The first thing a boy learns about sex is that he's supposed to insert his erect penis into a girl's vagina. He's been thinking about this for a long time -- ever since his penis became erect of its own accord -- but he is at a loss as to how to do it.

He knows that the girl's sex organ is located between her legs, but he has no idea what it looks like or how it works or how his own organ fits smoothly into it. I remember as a teenager, when my penis became erect while talking on the phone with a girl, wondering if it would hurt her? I mean, me pushing part of myself into her -- wouldn't that hurt? And if so, why would she want me to do that?

Boys -- and most men -- know nothing of the vagina. How it self-lubricates to let in the erect penis. How it is the portal to a girl's/woman's sexual self. How she has to be careful who she offers access to.

Too many boys think of the vagina in vulgar terms -- a slit or crack -- and, if my unwanted porno email is to be believed, too many grown men still do. They're either forgetting the life-changing experiences a vagina provoked in them, or they failed to grasp the concept in the first place.

Warning, girls: Don't marry those guys.

Sex education in schools necessarily focuses on the dangers of impregnating the female accidentally, and how to avoid diseases, without really spelling out why that "act" is so compelling and so hard to resist.

The truth, of course, is that sex is immensely -- indescribably? -- pleasurable, both to boys/men and girls/women, and it bonds us to certain ones of the opposite sex that we want to spend time with, maybe even a lifetime.

Unfortunately, it can bond us too early to boys or girls we really DON'T want to spend even another minute with, much less a life. And the unfortunate result is, too often, females left to incubate and then raise the subsequent unwanted offspring with little or no help from the guilty male, who has scampered off to wherever to do the same to some other trusting but naive female.

I think there should be a required high school course in Human Sexuality, even if an Art or Music or P.E. or even Chemistry class gets cut. It's that important. Boys -- soon to be men -- need to know what the vagina actually is and what it represents before they're allowed to approach it.

When a girl or woman chooses to open her legs and invite you in, she's hoping you turn out to be, in bed, that charming fellow you were in the restaurant, when you bought her a drink and put your hand on hers. She hopes you're not some ham-handed brute who mis-handles her. She is exposing herself, literally. And she's truly hoping that you're worth her very personal gamble.

I would like for boys and men to get schooled not just in the anatomy but in the psychology of sex so far as it applies to girls and women. The vagina is a gateway not just to your male pleasure but to the heart and soul of her who offers it to you. Treat it with respect. Get to know it -- at least as far as your goddess is willing to go along. It's her private part. It's her call.

Now we get graphic. If you ARE invited to view the vagina up close, note how there is a "magic button" toward the top. It's a tiny lump of flesh called the clitoris, and it's the seat of much of the pleasure girls and women get from sex. Learn to stroke it with your fingers -- or your tongue. She will appreciate it, even if she's shy about it at first. (Trust me on this, guys.)

NOTE: This is the part of the girl that is cut off by primitive religions, in "religious" rites that are called "female circumcision". Nothing could be further from the truth! Circumcision is cutting away the excess flesh from a penis, and the jury is out on that as to whether it's a good idea. (I think it's not.) It does nothing to reduce sexual pleasure later on. Cutting the clitoris from a girl,
on the other hand, takes away most of her enjoyment of sex, and any religion that sanctions it is barbaric. A young bride should enjoy her husband as he enjoys her. It would be like cutting off your balls, guys. Maybe you could still get it up, but you would always know something was missing: the climax. Those "circumcised" girls probably can never have one.

Final advice to guys: Okay, let's assume you're about to have sex. Once you and your female partner are all heated and ready, don't just jam yourself in. Remember that the vagina is a soft and moist and warm place that you want your penis to be, but not until your partner is ready. (The moister she is, the readier she is.) And when it's time to insert yourself, pay homage to the sacred space you're about to enter. She probably hasn't let many -- if any -- guys in. Act like you're special. And thank her after. Kiss her. (Guys often forget that part. Don't just kiss her before, but also after. And mean it. )

We guys lament that we're always buying gifts for some woman or other, but we don't stop often enough to appreciate the best gift anybody ever gave us: the vagina.

It's a magical place, full of real and metaphoric significance. A true wonder.

So, boys, get down on your knees and pay homage. Oh, and while you're down there . . .

My car is smarter than I am.

Today I came home and unloaded groceries and went inside. When it started to rain, I went back out to close the car windows, which I always leave down a half inch or so, just to keep some fresh air circulating. I reached inside with the key and turned the ignition just enough to activate the electronics but not enough to start the engine. Then I pushed all the buttons to put the windows up. Then I noticed groceries in the back seat that I'd overlooked before, so I got them out and took them into the house and was putting them away when I thought maybe I should go back out and lock the car door.

I used the buttons on the side of the driver door, but nothing happened. I knew the code. I tried again, and again nothing happened. The door wouldn't lock. I thought, okay, I'll lock it from inside. I opened the door and reached in and hit the lock button. Uh uh. It wouldn't take. The doors wouldn't lock.

I was getting very frustrated -- over the role of technology in our lives, etc. -- when I happened to see the key ring glinting in the door light. The key was in the ignition, turned on.

By morning, the battery would have been dead, and I would have to get a jump, maybe a tow.

My car saved me.

And isn't that more than we've ever been able to expect from our tools and appliances? Our ancestors used hoes and axes and needles and thread and never got any constructive feedback from any of them. We live in an amazing world that will look quaint a hundred years from now (if not sooner), but that right now is as exciting as life on earth has ever been.

In fact, I understand that my smart car is getting smarter all the time and may someday be able to drive me by him/herself while I lounge in the backseat, sipping mai-tais.

I can't even begin to decipher what has happened with phones and cameras and internet connections. You who use them know how profoundly they've changed your lives. And you know that there are more innovations to come!

And look at what's happened to televisions. You can't even give away a tube TV these days, even if it's big and in good shape. Every set is flat screen now. Thinner but with an even bigger and better picture. (Just like computer monitors.) What's not to like? And the price is coming down as good old American capitalism kicks in. Of course the future holds lots more improvements, but I'm pretty impressed by what we have now.

We are living in the most technologically advanced society ever, so let's look around and marvel at what we have and can do compared to what our parents had or could do. Maybe our kids will live even more exciting lives, but I think we're living a pretty extraordinary one right now.

I'm from the old school of printed books and home phones and face-to-face conversations, but I can still appreciate being able to get money from my bank account just by driving through and inserting my card. That's my kind of magic!

As my grandmother used to say, "What won't they think of next?"

I can hardly wait.

Buy some tools.

It doesn't matter if you're male or female, rich or poor -- sooner or later, you're going to have to fix something. You can't always just hire somebody or count on a handy friend or an in-law. In a pinch, you are going to have to have a hammer and pliers and a screwdriver, maybe even a saw.


In fact, these are the basic tools everyone should have.


1) A hammer.


They are displayed on racks at your local hardware store. Pick one you like the look of and the heft of in your hand. Imagine yourself hammering nails with it. Picture it hanging from your pegboard in the garage where you keep all your tools. (Do keep your tools organized, and a pegboard, with hangers, is the best way.) Always get one with the claw in back, to pry out nails.


2) Pliers.


These are the tools we pinch/hold things with. They're stronger than our own fingers because they're made of metal and because our own grip gives them added strength. They come in all varieties, from huge lobster-claw monsters to the almost delicate needle noses. Again, pick up a few and see how they feel in your hand. You need several, from the needle noses on up -- but not the monster ones.


3) A saw.


Unless you live in Arizona or an urban condo, you're probably going to have to get rid of some tree limbs or unwanted/overgrown shrubs and hedges sooner or later. Or you may have to cut some wood for a kid's school project. Whatever. You need a saw, but just a simple one, not too long. I'd say eighteen inches at best. (No chainsaws, please, unless you're a lumberjack.) You might want several sizes of saws, for different jobs, but probably smaller, not larger.


4) Screwdrivers.


There are as many screwdrivers and screwdriver brands as there are screws that need to be loosened or tightened. But really there are two basic types: the slotted kind and the Phillips, which has a cross-shaped slot and fits that kind of screw. They are usually sold in sets, which means you don't have to worry about having the right size: just buy a set of each kind. But don't buy these at the Dollar store: pick a name brand for a few dollars more, as metal tools can vary a lot in performance and durability even though they look alike on the rack.


5) A vise-grip.


This is a super wrench that locks down at a certain point and provides more force than you can with your own hand/arm using an ordinary wrench. It may be the only wrench you need. Most of us don't need a whole set of wrenches, those instruments used to loosen bolts, because we don't work on our own cars anymore, and that was pretty much all we used them for. Or plumbing, which we also don't do ourselves. You might invest in a crescent wrench, which is adjustable to different grips, but get a name brand, as their grip can loosen with price and age.


6) Screws and nails.

Oh Lord, there are so many and for so many different uses/projects. You could go crazy trying to accumulate enough of these to address all your projects. I advise buying a pack of different sizes to start, then others when you need them. But do have an assortment on hand, from the smallest that will hang a picture to the largest that will hang a bicycle. They're sold in assorted packages. Start there.

7) Wire and string.

Wire comes in all sizes, of course, from the thinnest to -- once again -- hang a picture to the strongest, to tie up big bundles for transport. Pick a thick white string coil and a wire one of about the same width. Ask your Home Depot guy. I don't know the specifications, but he will.
Just say you want some wire and string to have around home for whatever.

8) Duct tape.

This is a wide, strong tape made to repair all kinds of leaks, at least temporarily (until you can call a plumber or whoever). It's grey/silver in color and is sold in rolls. It will help you cover lots of mistakes. (I once taped a plastic fender that was dragging back into place, and it held until I could order a new fastener from the dealer.)

9) Electrical tape.

Thinner than duct tape, but as strong, it's black and, again, comes on a roll. Use it when duct tape is too big. Often used to repair and/or join frayed or broken cables or wires, the kind you have connected to your TV or DVR or speakers or whatever.

10) Crow bar.

A strong tool made from a single piece of steel, usually about two feet long, a chisel on one end and a fork on the other. Use it when a claw hammer isn't enough, to pry loose big nails or pieces of wood or even stones. (I've always thought it would be a good weapon, but I'm not recommending it for that purpose.) Buy one and you'll find uses for it.

There are other tools that have been used in the past but that we don't need much anymore. For instance, a lug wrench, which is used to loosen the bolts holding your wheel to the car. I think most of us nowadays don't change our own tires; we belong to AAA or some other service that comes out and does that for us. (If you do need one, it may be in the trunk of your car already.)

Some might say you need a tape measure, and I wouldn't argue with that. They're made of light metal and come coiled inside a container and usually come out -- and retract -- with a touch of a thumb. They show inches and feet (and often meters) and are good for figuring out how much carpet or flooring you need.

There are others I'm not thinking of, but this will get you started. And I can pretty much guarantee that you will find a use for each and every one, eventually.

The point is that, even though you hope someone is going to be doing all this basic stuff for you, it's probably not good to count on that. Dad may die. You may get divorced. Your handy friend may move away. Sooner or later, you're likely to end up with a loose step or a leaky faucet or a poster that needs to be hung, so it's best to be prepared.

By the way, I'm not even getting into what you might need to keep in your car -- jumper cables, etc. -- or what you may want for your gardening. Those are topics for a different discussion.

In the end, it's always best to rely on yourself and know that you have the tools to get the job done. The more you can do for yourself, the less you need outside help. And it's cheaper if you do it on your own.

Hammers ready? Prepare to nail!

There are (at least) three ways to react to a near-death experience.

It may be a car accident, in which you almost got killed. (Maybe -- I hope not -- a passenger in your car was killed.) It may be, an extreme example, you working in a bank when a masked guy came in and opened fire. It may be when you were in any public place, strolling the mall or in a particular store, when such an unlikely thing happened. At worst, your kids were at school, and somebody started shooting at them.

If you, or anyone you know, or your kids, survived something like that, you have some serious thinking to do. What did it mean? How does it change my life? My kids' lives?

I think there are three ways we can react to senseless violence inflicted on us or our loved ones.

First, we can tell ourselves that it was just random, that the driver of the car that struck us was distracted or drunk or blinded by a setting sun, or the shooter at the mall or the school was crazy and that we or our kids were just, by happenstance, in the way. Nothing we could have done to prevent it.

Second, we can say that it's God's will, that He has a plan for us, and in this particular instance, it involved having our car rammed by a careless driver or being nearly murdered or having our kids nearly gunned down by a maniac. Good luck selling that to traumatized relatives and friends.

Third, we can say that we don't know why it happened and see what we can learn from it. (See below.)

I've had two near-death experiences.

One was when I was twenty-one, in Viet Nam, when a Viet Cong sniper put a bullet through my helmet, not an inch above my head. (I still have the helmet.) With a little better aim, I wouldn't be writing this. A second was just recently, when a car turned in front of me when I was riding a bike and almost sent me into oblivion.

But it might also be a cancer diagnosis that sends us into panic but later turns out okay, or a freak fall into the water on a canoe trip when we don't have a life-jacket and start swallowing water but are rescued or find our way to shore. Near-death can happen at any time, without warning. But once we've survived it, shaken but alive, it's time to think about what it meant.

Okay, this happened, and it was scary, but I'm still here (and so are my kids). So now what?

In the end, you're left alone with your thoughts about it. You can tell -- and re-tell -- it to friends and family, who will sympathize but will eventually get tired of hearing about it. After all, you're still alive, right? Move on, they think but might not say.

How do you move on? You have to process the event because it happened to you. You can't pretend it didn't. If you do, it will likely crop up somewhere down the line when you least expect it. Deal with it now.

You can be paralyzed to the point that you are incapable of, say, driving a car again or riding your bike. Or letting your kids go to school. That will guarantee that it won't happen again but will also limit your movement and your kids' chances of becoming anybody.

Or (see above) you can realize that such awful things don't often happen twice to a person and that you've survived yours.

Congratulations!

I'm willing to bet that statistics show that an individual is very unlikely to get into two near-fatal car crashes in a lifetime. Or be nearly run over by a car when on a bike twice. (After all, it's only happened to me once in more than forty years of riding.) You, having come through what could have been the end of your life, have surfaced on the other side, still intact!

Be thankful! Whew!

I think that you should consider your brush with death a blessing: it probably innoculated you against similar traumas in the future. Consider yourself chosen, golden, destined for glory.

Or at least a longer life.

Hey, we only get one good near-death story per person. Any more would bore our guests.

Consider yourself lucky, and don't ask questions. Go forth and live another day!